Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
