and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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