Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
