Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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