I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
