I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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