I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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