I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
