So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I can text with my tongue
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
