at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
