My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
