I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
