I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I will pee on everything he values.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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