honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
