Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
