My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
