Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
