I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
