Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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