Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
