I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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