Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
