Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
