A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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