Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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