His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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