I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
