you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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