do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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