I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
