My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think people are normalizing furries
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
