Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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