i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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