where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
