Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
