I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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