So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
