omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
