I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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