I wannas sexs uuuuu
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
