i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
