Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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