So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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