i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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