I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
