I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
