1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
