I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
