My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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