I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
