I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
