having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
