It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wish there were birth control emojis
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
