its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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