Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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